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We
are sitting here together...as we have done so many times in the past,
only the comfort and easiness that came with being together is no
longer present. Our conversations circle around important things as we
repeatedly touch upon all the insignificant details that monopolize our
time. Neither one of us looking the other in the eye. Both of us
acutely aware of the what once was and what now is...the difference
heartbreaking. The fault line shifted and now the both of us are
struggling with the aftermath of an earthquake that took us by suprise
and reaked significant damage to what once was a great friendship.
Neither of us know how to repair the damage so we do the dance. We look
at each other, silently pleading for the other to admit, to confess
that she has been the cause for this turmoil, she knows that things
have not been right in her life and that the friendship has ultimately
paid the price. But, instead of any confessions we look at each other
with our fake smiles and sad eyes, we sit here in the silence of
insignificant details.
As the converstaion and attention shifts focus from her and her life
she makes excuses as to why she has to cut this meeting short. "Oh no,
don't get up. Stay and enjoy your lunch. I have to run, you know how it
is, I have to finish this roll for class and then run to the grocery
store".
"Sure, sure. Well have a good day. Maybe I'll see you later?"
"Do you have any plans for tonight?"
"No, I am not sure what I am going to do."
"Well, I have an art show to go to and then I am meeting some people for a drink, perhaps you would like to come along?"
Truthfully, going along with her is about the last thing I want to do.
I no longer want to live in the shadows of someone else's life. I am
not her sidekick. I am my own person, I want to have my own meetings,
my own friendships. My own life. I know this may seem as an overreation
and it may be, but when you have lived the sort of life I have you
realize the patterns that start to take over and that it takes a
conscious effort to break them. For my own personal sanity, I have to
say no to this person I love. I have to say no so that I can create
situaions for myself. So I can live my own life.
"No, I'm sorry. I don't really feel like going out."
"Okay, well maybe I'll catch up with you soon? We could go shopping
together, I have to get an outfit for a work dinner, you could help me
pick out something."
"Yeah, give me a call"
"Thanks, have fun tonight"
"Will do, bye"
"C... I think we need to talk... there's something-"
"What? Look I really don't have time right now. Cna we do this some other time, I'm tired and I really have to get going"
"Yeah, sure."
"See you."
I was left sitting alone and releaved. I didn't really want to have the
conversation... I just knew it had to be done. I have been dreading it
for days. She knows. I know.
September 30 2005, 15:23:36 UTC 6 years ago
By the way, I'm still enthralled about the way you write.